Let’s All Just Be Happy I Didn’t Teach Your Toddlers How To Play Craps And Use the F-Word.


Shockingly, my best friend, Tracy and her husband, left me with their 1-year-old twins for the night.  I know…I know…who do you call CPS on first?

Ryan: How’s the babysitting? They’re down for the night, yes?

Me: Sleeping like baby angels!

Ryan: How many times have they checked in?

Me: Just twice.  I did just send them this…

Dear Tracy and Tim,

Thank you for entrusting me with your two perfect babies. We are having a wonderful time. A few notes… First, you might notice that your son now calls you “Mummy” with a British accent. We apologize, Xavier thought it would be funny. Also, your other nephew, Liam has some concerns that my fake theatrical crying (when I stubbed my toe) might have made your daughter develop an ‘overdeveloped sense of schadenfreude’. His words, not mine. Lastly, I hope you don’t mind that your darlings now call raisins by their proper name…”Lies”.

Miss you! Hugs!

Ryan: Okay, two issues…  First, what is your issue with raisins?

Me: They’re the worst things that ever happened.  Overstating?

Ryan: But, they had those really cool commercials in the 80’s.  They had merchandise!

Me: If they were so great, they never would have had to sing and dance. The only reason chocolate advertises, is to keep you from buying OTHER chocolate.

Ryan: Point made.

Me: What’s the other issue, you said there were two issues?

Ryan: Oh, just that they’re never going to leave you alone with their children again.

Me: Agreed.

34 thoughts on “Let’s All Just Be Happy I Didn’t Teach Your Toddlers How To Play Craps And Use the F-Word.

  1. stormydreams

    I don’t know. I might let you watch my kids just to see what happened next. Kind of like a reality TV show, without the cameras.

  2. Rick

    A few years ago, we were hanging out in the lobby of a swanky hotel when we decided to teach my stepdaughter how to play poker. We use candy for chips. The other patrons were shocked by our parenting decisions.

  3. c’mon. how much fun would we have being labor coaches? we could be a team and just make fun and throw stuff at the women in pain while holding sticks with painkillers dangling on the end in front of them like carrots to horses.
    and we could dance and make them eat raisins.
    i think i’m onto something here.
    i’ll write the business plan. you design the cards.

  4. When friends ask me to watch their kids I tell them “I managed to get three of my children to their teen years without incident!” They seem comforted by that until they remember I have two children at which point my daughter would chime in “we don’t talk about Pablo”.

  5. First, raisins are better than prunes. If you want to be regular, go with raisins… At least they have more sugar.

    Second, you’re on the right track. I did the same when my friend dead dropped her darling son on me. He was a pre-teen at the time, adult teeth not growing in properly, gangly like a pre-teen with soon-to-be-poor eyesight. As part of “my little secret with dear ol’ Timmy…” I bought six colors of those tinted mousse products, made his hair (a fine platinum blond) stand up like Lewis from Meet the Robinsons, and then sashayed him over to the Sears Portrait Studio for some pictures. He enjoyed the experience immensely… Laughing with glee while those pictures were being taken…

    Got him home, washed and combed his hair back into place and told him that I would show “mum” the pictures when they were developed.

    A couple of weeks later, she tried to dead drop her darling on me again, and I pulled out the pictures as a “surprise”. Timmy shrieked with glee. My friend was mortified and pulled her son out of my apartment saying they were going to grandma’s…

    Months later she was able to laugh about it, but stopped when I said, “at least it wasn’t drag.”

    Keep up the fabulous work! \o/ The kids might love you for it, but the parents? Well, they forget how boring it was with adults.

      • Ummm. You know that I also sugar kids up about 10 minutes before you’re back to pick ’em up… And by sugared up, I mean to the point the cells are humming on their own. Imagine living in the Southwest and it being more than an hour drive. Oh wait you know this already 😀

      • Won’t work. I learned from the best… “Run and Scream Blue murder… You have permission, and ignore neighbors, they can’t (and won’t) do a thing…” I can exhaust even the most ADHD troubled child without a stitch of caffeine.

      • Are you also able to handle the thought of your darlings cussing enough to make sailors blush and swear that would cause Priests and Nuns to faint from the horror? Make that and at least 10 different languages too… If you can, I’ll e-mail you my street address so you can dead drop them off.

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