Welcome To Arizona! Come For The Weather, Stay For The Xenophobia!


Okay, so for those of you who watch ANY news whatsoever, it should come as no shock that my beloved Arizona has gotten a reputation as being…shall we say…flamingly racist.  While I understand why it looks like we’re all a bunch of backwoods hillbilly cretins most of the time, I feel I must defend my state’s honor.

To begin, it is a fact that almost no one over the age of 30 is actually FROM Arizona, and we are almost entirely populated by transplants from colder states, who came here for the weather, and promptly started complaining because our golf courses were too close to Mexico.  You know how everyone has that ONE embarrassing racist uncle, who screams about immigrants and thinks that Obama was born in Kenya?  Well, that guy got sick of Wisconsin winters or shoveling snow in Michigan, and moved his ass to Phoenix.  So the problem isn’t actually Arizonans, per se…it’s that we have a HUGE population of older, conservative transplants, who unfortunately vote religiously, and who are magnetically attracted to the candidate wearing the fanciest tinfoil hat.

Now, recently, we’ve gotten some attention, AGAIN, for yet another idiot who has taken to leading armed (and I’m talking automatic weapons, here) protests against Muslims at local mosques while wearing (and selling, because we can’t miss a sales opportunity) t-shirts that say things that I won’t repeat, but involve expletives that aren’t, shall we say, neighborly.  Once again, we get bad press, but what the national news doesn’t mention, is that he JUST moved here from California, so once again we get credit for a village idiot who wandered off from another state.  I do not want to give this asshole any MORE attention by mentioning his name, but Ryan and I call him, ‘The Ritz’.

Shockingly, as it turns out, pissing off one of Earth’s largest religions has consequences.  First it means that you will get thoroughly spanked, on national TV, by both Anderson Cooper and Philip Mudd, a former senior official with the FBI and CIA. Secondly, it means your family will have to go into hiding until things cool down.

Well, as it turns out, this idiot lives down the street from Ryan’s sister, Susan, so her entire block was curiously populated with a lot of unmarked paneled vans and dark windowed American sedans.  Because we’re naturally fascinated by this insanity, we have Susan sending us daily updates.

**And, yes, this conversation took place BEFORE Donald Trump’s asinine remarks about McCain.


Ryan: She just texted. The Ritz’ wife came back!  SHE ACTUALLY CAME BACK!

Me: There is no way she did that of her own volition. He must be blackmailing her.  She must have killed a drifter or a United States Senator, or something.

Ryan: Has anyone actually seen John McCain lately?

Me: Real McCain?  Or amazingly lifelike, animatronic McCain?

Ryan: I’m pretty sure The Ritz is keeping that McCain in his garage.

Me: What’s he doing with it!?

Ryan: Well, you know how lonely he must have been when he was in hiding with his wife gone…robot McCain was his only comfort.

Me: I wonder what robot McCain’s O-Face looks like.

Ryan: …

Me: What?

Ryan: That’s the sound of me becoming impotent.

31 thoughts on “Welcome To Arizona! Come For The Weather, Stay For The Xenophobia!

  1. The sad part of your story of the recent transplant is he’s probably elated at the attention. 15 minutes of fame and all that. I’m surprised one of the cable news stations hasn’t offered him a his own show yet.

    • Oh, he thinks he’s AMAZING, and that he’s the voice of a movement. Meanwhile, he can’t even write a one-sentence status message without a major grammatical/spelling error. The thing that makes me horrifically sad, isn’t the hateful, awful shit that he writes, it’s that he has cohorts.

      • Ah, the wonder of the internet, connecting people with less popular views around the globe. When it connects those people who love to crochet Star Wars figures, or people protesting a tyrannical government it’s awesome… but it also connects groups with less positive intents.

      • Exactly! Sit down, Ritz! Have a Coke and a fucking smile and maybe try and do something OTHER than get attention for yourself, to feel like a big man. (I should mention, he’s REALLY, REALLY short.)

  2. I always look forward to news stories that feature Arizona because my buddy Meg lives there. I missed this one though so I’m a little disappointed in myself. This guy sounds like a great represtative of your state. And McCain is a big loser for being captured by the Viet Cong! I hope Ryan’s sister isn’t in any danger living so close to this guy.

    • This one was fairly big and super embarrassing. We were furious because he’s really Orange County’s problem, and they should take him back. We’ve expressed the same concern. We’re hoping that the elevated police presence is enough, but this guy is alternating between calling for violence and then whining like a little bitch because of the backlash. He’s pure trash. I’m ashamed to share his air. Let’s throw moose poop at him!

    • Another rare native. Me, too, sister…me, too. In my experience, the natives aren’t the issue, for the most part. The transplants…those are the ones we have to watch. 🙂

  3. barbaramullenix

    I’m a (45 year) Florida transplant from N.Y. so I’m in no position to judge, but I feel the need to apologize for all the hot air farts coming from my neck of the woods. Someone needs to give Florida a giant enema and maybe we can flush them all into the Gulf of Mexico. Sorry for the pollution it would incur.

    • You guys suffer from the same problem, but thankfully, have enough NYers to be a swing state, despite being in the South. The good news is that the most recent research shows that these ideas are, quite literally, dying out.

      Can we place bets on if this would be harder on the Gulf than that last oil incident? 🙂

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