I’d Show You A Picture, But Matthew Said It Was “Grotesque”. Matthew Ruins All My Fun.


Me: Annnnnnd I just got in my first car accident. Everyone’s fine…the car is getting towed..I’m on my way to the ER with what looks like a broken wrist.

Ryan: WHAT!? Holy shit! Where are you?  I’m coming right now.

Me: No, no, my mom is here. It could be so much worse. We’re all fine.

Ryan: Fine except for your wrist.  The kids are okay?

Me: The kids are fine.  Caol is a little shaken up because of the airbags, but we’re all good.

Ryan: What can I do? New airbags? Ride home? Sock with butter to beat the doctors?

Me: Butter? Try quarters. You’d never survive in prison.

Ryan: Because you’d like a boyfriend prepared to lead that life?

Me: Excellent point. Stay nerdy.

(45 minutes later)

Me: I’m apparently the first person in this ER to ever refuse a narcotic. The nurse looked at me like she was worried I had a head injury.

Ryan: She’ll be back around in 10 minutes for the hard sell.

Me: I spent my entire adolescence preparing for the day a drug pusher would come, but I never thought they’d have blond highlights and good veneers.

Ryan: Those are the worst ones. Stay strong.

Me: Can you see it now?  “I’m a clean teen, Susan!  I don’t want your Hillbilly Heroin!”…This would be the worst After-School Special, EVER.

Ryan: Meg, maybe we need to double-check on that head injury.

(Good news…it was just a ton of soft tissue damage with minor spraining, and I’m totally fine.)


48 thoughts on “I’d Show You A Picture, But Matthew Said It Was “Grotesque”. Matthew Ruins All My Fun.

  1. Wow. This was like an epic poem by Homer. It had comedy, tragedy, a commentary on societal misdeeds, a reluctant hero, and a dashing nerd. I am glad to hear you guys are okay. I would like a picture of that wrist please as the grotesque does feed my black Canadian heart.

  2. Doug in Oakland

    Glad that you are “totally fine”, I kind of figured that you were… And about the hospitals and opiates? When I was in the hospital after my stroke, they were handing them out like candy “That Vicodin not doing it for you? Try some of this morphine sulfate..” Luckily, I wasn’t in any pain, so I always said “None for me, thanks!”… I mean, I’ve done my share of drugs, but never wanted any opiates. They just seemed stupid to me. If I was in major pain, I might think otherwise.

  3. Randstein

    Whew! glad you are OK! Butter-socking is all the rage. I bet the kids are doing it behind your back. You should have that talk with them about safe and responsible butter-socking. I admire your strength. I scream bloody hell for happy-juice even when I go to the hospital just to visit friends. 🙂

  4. Congrats on being a curmudgeon about the pain meds. Be sure to remind me for your next birthday to ship you a pair of suspenders and pants with elastic waistbands.

    Rest assured, you’re not the only person to avoid the pain meds… Nurses at the ED (what people call ER in some parts of the world) used to see my name and say, “oh god, it’s HIM. Can I leave now?”

    Get well and milk it for what it’s worth. For the drama value of it all.

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