Tracy: “Let’s face it, we’re old. The days of having sex up against a tree, with no thoughts as to consequences, are past us.”
Me: “By consequences, you mean splinters, right?”
Tracy: “I’m just saying that our days of backseat wrestling and breaking furniture are long gone.”
Me: “I have to disagree. Ryan and I broke a piece of furniture just two weeks ago.”
Tracy: “Seriously? What did you break?”
Me: “My shower chair.”
(pause)
Tracy: “A shower chair? Thank you, that is officially the benchmark of how fucking old we are. How ’bout next time, you use your walker for leverage.”
**Before you guys give me too much shit, my house was built in 1957, and the shower heads were clearly installed for people who were 5′ 5″, so in order to wash my hair, I was doing a 20 minute wall-sit on wet tile, and while that was AMAZING for my quads, I ironically worried I’d fall and possibly break a hip, so I acquired the shower chair. Fuck, I am old.
Fisticuffs and Shenanigans 
Rationalization is the first step in a fraudulent relationship. LOL.
I thought regifting was the first step. DAMN IT! 🙂
That’s step 7.
*writing this shit down*
LOL…it’s inspiring a post on this side of WordPress.
Try a shower massage head on a cord. You can set it up higher
I thought about that. Which of course lends itself to other shenanigans.
Which makes men superfluous (partially).
Soooooo true. lol
I thought my furniture-breaking days were over, too, until the past three years of dating majorly-athletic fifteen-year-younger Fang.
HAWT!!
But expensive on body and material goods. That isn’t why I broke it off, but had I not done so, something of mine would have eventually broken off.
If you’re in danger of losing a limb or boobie…it’s time to walk. GOOD MOVE. But, even better, you have the story. 🙂
I look forward to your segment on “Sex Sent Me to the ER.”
I always assumed it would involve a rattlesnake bite to the ass. Little did I know.
I would strongly advise you not to have sex with a rattlesnake. Unless he buys you dinner first of course.
With appetizers and dessert.
It’s the Hunger Games Arizona style!
Disregard that last comment. My phone is being a real ass hole.
Riiiiiiiiight. Mmmmmmhmmmm
Snake lover.
Me and Voldemort….likethis.
I’m not surprised.
hahahaha
🙂
LOL! I have a shower chair as well–which hasn’t seen any action–but I got it when I tore my MCL.
I scored mine from when my mom had her shoulder replaced, and then I was whining about the height situation. Now, I’m a believer. When you’re tired in the morning, it’s the best, right? 🙂
I never did get the tree bit. Or ocean beaches. Sand and splinters, woohoo!
Sand is the DEVIL!!!
Amen, Sister!
I got a shower chair after I had my stroke, but I don’t need it anymore. I (we) did it in the front seat of a Datsun B-210 on a side road off of Highway 101 once, but outdoorsy romping is way over rated. Trees have bugs, and most girls don’t like bugs. Especially spiders…
Aaand… I saw this on a political blog and thought of you. The picture is from Broadway in Tucson:
http://www.showmeprogress.com/diary/10217/the-first-amendment-is-for-everyone
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!! Thank you, Doug!!!
When you do a wheelchair lap dance, be sure to put the locks on the wheels.
I’m putting that on my business cards.
Daaaaamn
lol….
I never got a splinter…but maybe I was doing it wrong
By the way I look forward to catching up on your posts!! They make me laugh out loud 😀
Maybe *I* was doing it wrong!? Damn it!
🙂
Yes it is. But it’s kind of fun to know you’ve done it. 🙂
Totally true. It’s about the ticket not the show. 🙂
Re-did my bathrooms. Now have removable massager shower heads on (on a hose) that are also 6’3″ above the floor when in the ‘home’ position so I don’t have to duck. That’s as high as I could get them and still let my wife (all 5’1″ of her) reach the dang thing. Don’t know why she needs to – she’s only in there to wash her hair, right?
The only thing we wash is our hair. All of it.