Having Sex Against Trees Was Overrated Anyway. (Except For That One Time…)


Tracy: “Let’s face it, we’re old. The days of having sex up against a tree, with no thoughts as to consequences, are past us.”

Me: “By consequences, you mean splinters, right?”

Tracy: “I’m just saying that our days of backseat wrestling and breaking furniture are long gone.”

Me: “I have to disagree.  Ryan and I broke a piece of furniture just two weeks ago.”

Tracy: “Seriously?  What did you break?”

Me: “My shower chair.”


Tracy: “A shower chair? Thank you, that is officially the benchmark of how fucking old we are. How ’bout next time, you use your walker for leverage.”


**Before you guys give me too much shit, my house was built in 1957, and the shower heads were clearly installed for people who were 5′ 5″, so in order to wash my hair, I was doing a 20 minute wall-sit on wet tile, and while that was AMAZING for my quads, I ironically worried I’d fall and possibly break a hip, so I acquired the shower chair.  Fuck, I am old.

40 thoughts on “Having Sex Against Trees Was Overrated Anyway. (Except For That One Time…)

  1. I thought my furniture-breaking days were over, too, until the past three years of dating majorly-athletic fifteen-year-younger Fang.


    But expensive on body and material goods. That isn’t why I broke it off, but had I not done so, something of mine would have eventually broken off.

    • I scored mine from when my mom had her shoulder replaced, and then I was whining about the height situation. Now, I’m a believer. When you’re tired in the morning, it’s the best, right? 🙂

  2. Doug in Oakland

    I got a shower chair after I had my stroke, but I don’t need it anymore. I (we) did it in the front seat of a Datsun B-210 on a side road off of Highway 101 once, but outdoorsy romping is way over rated. Trees have bugs, and most girls don’t like bugs. Especially spiders…

    Aaand… I saw this on a political blog and thought of you. The picture is from Broadway in Tucson:

  3. Brian

    Re-did my bathrooms. Now have removable massager shower heads on (on a hose) that are also 6’3″ above the floor when in the ‘home’ position so I don’t have to duck. That’s as high as I could get them and still let my wife (all 5’1″ of her) reach the dang thing. Don’t know why she needs to – she’s only in there to wash her hair, right?

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