My best friend, Matthew, has finally extricated himself from the world’s worst relationship. His former partner, Kenneth, said some truly terrible things to him, none of which are clever enough to post here. However, Matthew’s responses, in my opinion, were HILARIOUS. Two of my favorites:
1. “Kenneth, grow up, if I wanted to date a child, I’d register myself as a sex offender, and then hang myself from my tie rack.”
2. “Get, down off your cross, Kenneth, it doesn’t match the decor, and we need the wood.”
Soooo, the breakup comes as a surprise to no one, but in the wake of this event, Matthew has to change all of his legal paperwork, which led to this conversation:
Matthew: “I’m going to need your Social Security Number; I have to change my beneficiary information.”
Me: “Sure thing, and do you have medical directives, because you need to name someone to take care of you, in case, God forbid, something happens.”
Matthew: “Yeah, I’ll sign it over to you.”
Me: “Just so I know, in advance, if you’re in a coma, and paralyzed from the neck down…”
Matthew: “Pull the fucking plug.”
Me: “Okay. And if it’s just the waist down?”
Matthew: “Let me live, I’ll still be able to jack guys off.”
Me: “You’re going to be the most popular thing on four wheels.”
Matthew: “That’s right, betches…I deliver.”
Fisticuffs and Shenanigans 
Hahahaha. Now that is really funny.
I win him so. 🙂
Wub!!!!
I thought for a minute you had a lottery in your parts for winning a person.
Awkward! Lol
Thank you!! 😀
Very funny!
🙂 thank you!!!
In regards to the cartoon, I am reminded of a similar statement by Joseph Campbell, “When you are falling, dive.” 🙂 –Curt
Stealing that! 🙂
Sigh. I haven’t dated anyone since college who’d even GET these. Bigger sigh.
(Forehead slap! I’ve been dating STRAIGHT guys!)
Lol. I’d hope so! 🙂
Death panels! (Which are still better than mirror tiles)…
Must be a sturdy tie rack. Congratulations on his new-found freedom, and on having a friend such as yourself to help him get there.
Mirror tiles kill all on their own!
Matthew needs to write a book or open a school or an online seminar entitled “The Art of the Verbal Bitch-Slap.”
Because to do it right is an art form, and that man’s got talent.
OMG he should. Trying to get him blogging again. Sigh.
I like this guy. I like this guy a lot.
See, he needs to start writing again! 🙂
Yes, that’s the kind of man that even I would date… Although response #2 (get off your cross…) is a variation from the movie, “The Adventures of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert” Guy Pierce says it in the movie — wearing a dress made of flip-flop sandals of all things.
He only quotes the very, very best. 🙂 Michael, and if you saw him…TOTAL CATCH. 🙂
Probably… Given my luck and the magnet I have it won’t ever happen. \o/
Dick magnet? And not the good kind? I think Wonder Woman would have been WAY better if her stupid bracelets deflected dicks.
LOL… The images I get from that… Fabulous!
Wanna go halfsies on a dick magnet business?
if that means I *MIGHT* remotely have a chance of having a man like Tommy, Darin or Damion (stories there, I’ll tell sometime in the near future). Sure! Absolutely!
Ohhhhhh, yeah…I’mma need to hear those. And see pictures. 😉
Don’t know about pictures.. 2 of them happened before the Internet Invasion and the third? I’d have to dig through my archives — though they’re of pretty poor quality.
On story is on FictionPress called “First in Love and Lusts”, can be found by querying author “Merrick Baldelli” (my pen name). the others? Another time 😀
Hahaha! Those are hilarious!
🙂 He’s the best.
You will find it hard to pull the plug on such wit and humor.
I cannot be without my soulmate. I might as well pull my own plug with it.
Mutually Assured Destruction. That is one way to ensure longevity for both 🙂
AWESOME! This is the best thing I have read in weeks 🙂
🙂 And here I was paranoid that people would find it overly offensive. lol
OMG! 😆 Glad that I read this post first thing in the morning 😉
LOL…I was so confused until I remembered you were overseas. 🙂 “Morning!? Ohhhhh….right.”
haha… 🙂 Didn’t realize it.
Way too far , right on the other hemisphere
Well, if you could take care of Tuesday until we get there…that would be great. 🙂
Will do Ma’am 😉
Fucking hell that is too good 🙂
🙂 I assume you mean the handies on wheels as a business model. lol
That is exactly what I mean. Too damn good!