Friends…We Need To Talk…About Seagulls and Fancy Pussies

Screenshot 2015-03-29 at 10.00.03 PM

And this is just from last week. If I showed you a month’s worth, you’d gouge our your own eyes.


Look, guys, I know that I’m not exactly running a vegan cooking blog, but can we PLEASE discuss the internet searches that are leading people here?  Seagulls, people who hate physics, basilisks, and a horrifying amount of requests for dicks?  And why do all the requests for female genitalia demand that they be “fancy”?  That hardly seems fair.  So, dicks are fine as long as they’re in HD, but the vaginas…those better be spruced up, goddamn it.  And how spruced up are we talking?  Like glitter and gems, or will a tiny chapeau do the trick?

I can only assume that the people requesting “pics of hell” were sent here to see this:


And “memes de alf”?  France, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume that query came from Belgium.  De rein.

Now, if you’ll please excuse me…I have some Penis Day cards to send.  Thanks, Hallmark!



71 thoughts on “Friends…We Need To Talk…About Seagulls and Fancy Pussies

  1. Please teach me the secret of getting search terms that are not blocked by Google privacy laws. I’ve been on WordPress for over a year and there are literally only half a dozen search terms available… and they SUCK!

  2. kabir gandhiok

    …And I always thought the Internet searches that led people to mine were odd, I should’ve known it could be worse.. LOL

  3. Adventures in Kevin's World

    Every time your post titles I think “good thing I don’t check wordpress at work.”

    Isn’t the search term list great fun? For a long time mine was full of things like “naked sexy jungle people” – but your list beats mine for perversion. By a long shot. What kind of site you running here anyway?

  4. Randstein

    I enjoy your blog tremendously and I’m always amazed at what brings us here. I’m envious. In three months time Google has ignored me. Not a single search term. My spam folder is empty. Not one bot has boinked my boisterous bloviations. Clearly I should just give up and go watch Zombie Go Boom vids on YouTube. Maybe I’ll rename my site to MonkeySpank-Dot-Com and post images of Felines and Boreal primates. That should bring em in…

      • Randstein

        Your patronage at MonkeySpank will always be appreciated 🙂 I’m hoping John stops by also to whip the followers into a frenzy with his commentary. Boreals and felines are so boisterous in each other’s company as you know. 🙂

      • Randstein

        That’s only to entice Pervo the Clown to search for my site. Should I say they are fancy felines to pull in a wider demographic of the curiously demented? I’m thinking a Tabby with a tight sweater and feather hair bow hugging a bush baby with a salon blow-dry and a touch of hair gel should do the trick.

    • Nooooo, these are the Google searches that people entered that got them into my blog. lol I never search for full body Panda; everyone knows I only prefer the lower third.

      • Well you have used the words Fancy and Pussy…. In different entries… Google’s pretty awesome and scary like that because it works out the logistics of word combinations.

        I’ve seen some of the weird combos show up in my statistics.. Like Gay + Foreigner and Gay + CJ Cherryh I ignore it because… Well, people are weird like that.

      • they see it… You know when it auto-fills. Fortunately for your sanity and your anonymity, it doesn’t say “She looked for this… e-mail her your opinion of THAT search” 😀

  5. elitosphere

    LOL I love my stats page! But the search terms that lead people to my blog always leaving me feeling dirty… like, do I talk about sex THAT MUCH… or at all???

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