Ryan: “I feel that I should introduce you to the joys of the Cream Pie Shake.”
Me: “I feel that I should introduce you to the fact that I’m lactose intolerant.”
Ryan: “You eat cheese all the time!”
Me: “Fermented dairy, for some reason, doesn’t bother me, but straight ice cream or milk, I blow up like a balloon.”
(silence)
Me: “Grossed out?”
Ryan: “Not at all…just trying to decide if I should get you to drink one anyway, so we can get your first fart out of the way. It’s going to happen one of these days, Megan. It might as well be a controlled scenario.”
Me: “Ryan, this isn’t just some stupid forest fire we’re discussing, this is FARTING. This is SERIOUS.”
Ryan: “Somewhere, a family of deer disagrees with your priorities.”
Fisticuffs and Shenanigans 
Laughing like a crazed lunatic! 😀
YES!!! And all at the cost of a few skipped farts. 🙂
Priceless
Thank you, Oliver! (PS…you have one of my favorite names of all time.)
Well it’s not my real name. I write under a pseudonym but I chose the name carefully. My initials spell out OCD 😉
Ha! Mine should spell more disorders than the DSM5 has. 😉
You win! 😉
Haha great! 😄💛 I love that title!
Thank you! It was like my fifth idea, and believe me the first four were total dogs.
Wow, no fettuccine with cream sauce? Bummer.
Actually, that doesn’t really get me. It has to be a LOT of milk, and it’s not bad, bad…more lactose sensitivity than intolerance. I don’t have the scary smellies, but I just bloat all to hell. This is SO MUCH more info than you wanted. Damn it, Megan…shut the fuck up. 🙂
I fought a couple of forest fires when I was a teenager, and I seem to remember some flatulence occurring among those crews…
So what’s up with the escaped llamas?
Seriously, I don’t get the appeal but they are blowing people’s MINDS. lol
😆
🙂
There’s something to be said for a man who’s willing to make that type of commitment. I lived with my ex for 4 years and I am still convinced I gained gas weight instead of fat!!
When I spend the night, I’m not convinced I won’t need to be tied to something with a rope, when I leave, so I don’t float away.
I laughed so hard I have tears streaming down my face!
Best thing for me to read before I crash or the night. Thank you, Heather! 🙂
I just read it again and now my stomach hurts from laughing so hard. Those are my favorite kind of sore stomachs!
And now you’re my first happy of the morning, too. Jesus, woman, you’re human Prozac.
I’m just trying to envision the scenario where we get the deer to judge:
Meg, inside her tent, has just downed a grande Cafe Au Lait, heavy on the Lait, with sommores covered with real whipped cream. Full to bursting, she crawls inside her sleeping bag for a little snooze.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the campground, Doobie Doobie Dude has just dropped his little lit friend. Oh, NO!! Bambie’s mom, pregnant with the famous fawn,races away from the licking flames–Directly into Megan’s tent!
Meg, snoring away, is still wrapped up like a burrito–giving only one avenue of escape for anything needing escape. She awakens, startled, at the sound of hooves, and raises up in fright.
OOOH NOOOO!!!! The long-pent-up becomes the strong-scent-up: WHOOSH!!
OUT shoot the gasses from the sleeping bag, BANG slams Meg’s bag into Bambi’s mom as the second law of thermodynamics proves its might. Simultaneously, UP stands Meg’s hair from the pressure, and her nose begins to bleed.
Bambi’s mom, due to pop any second, sees a bloody-faced witchy CREATURE shooting toward her at the speed of an express train. And it smells like…Death. Her BABY!!!
Will she stay in that tent, or run back toward the Dude?
Tune in next week for another episode of:
LACTOSE-LACRIMOSE GIRL!!!
OMFG….I’m a super hero with digestive issues. LOL!
The best part about being back is THIS! I’ve missed this!
I’m sorry, but Bambi can go suck a dick because I am NEVER letting one rip in front of anyone I’m dating!
Yeah, where the fuck have you been!? You just leave me…in the dark of night. *sob*
If he really wants to get “The First Fart” out of the way, (which is a serious relationship move – next it will be leaving the door open to potty), I say use the Dutch Oven Technique to really test his level of commitment.
Ha! I will go on the record as saying I will NEVER go to the bathroom with the door open. I, clearly, have some loose boundaries, but that one is Ft. Knox. Now, that Dutch Oven idea…that has some merit. Lol!
What is it with women and farting around their date… It’s not as though we (men) don’t know it happens… Hell, we’ve seen worse with the faux pas of misplaced tampons and maxi pads… But farting?! It’s like some imaginary line not to be crossed we don’t understand…
I agree completely…whilst being completely guilty. 🙂
Channel your inner man! Rip one out and to hell with all this silliness. And if you’re in doubt, watch this and remind yourself of the differences: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSwT744azR4
Okay, but if he freaks…I’m telling him YOU told me to! 🙂
Why would he freak? It’s only a matter of time before he pulls you into the bathroom to show off what he’s pooped. And no, it’s not the gateway to that hell… It’s just a matter of time…
In ancient Japan it was considered polite to fart after a meal. It meant you enjoyed it. I’m not sure if that’s true or I made it up when I was a child.
You must be INCREDIBLY popular in a sushi bar. 🙂
Hahaha. Classic Meg.
Shit, I’m getting predictable.
Nope. Funnier.
See, when I’m having a bad day, I’m just going to talk to you.
Always happy to help.
Old saying I once heard -“You know the honeymoon is over when you start farting in front of each other”
Too true. I try and keep the cheek sneaks to silent and preferably when men aren’t around. The minute I’m alone…DEAFENING.
Hahahahahahahahaha! That’s all. Haha!
🙂
I laughed so hard my dignity was lost. You have to start early with mule fart training or it just won’t work. I started with the grand kids when they were still crawlers. Now they play with Barbies and pull Barbies’ finger, fart like a mule, and sail Barbie across the room. They will be a big hit in the lunch room at school. Just think of what this could do to cubie farms in office buildings.
At least people won’t crown them in those cubicles! LOL Best training EVER.
We grand fathers do what we can for the little ones. 🙂
Lucky girls. 🙂
Yes, and Grandma is Asian so she thinks they are well fed but possessed by mischievous ancestors. Mwaaa haaa haaa!
Laughing so hard, I’m crying. I don’t know precisely why, but you never fail to make me laugh deeply and real conviction. That’s a joy.
That is a lovely thing to wake up to on a Saturday morning. 🙂 Much better than how I initially woke up…to a dog licking a Klondike wrapper he stole from the kitchen trash. lol
god. you had me at the title. I feel like a blog whore. okay. I am a blog whore (step 1 – admit you have a problem, right?). this made me laugh pretty hard. also reminded me of this: so, we played this game at work where everyone had to write some quirky fact they’ve never admitted to anyone and then we had to match all the teachers up. (borderline dumb/genius.) and one teacher put that in FIFTEEN years of marriage she’d never farted in front of her hubby. that is one strong sphincter. amirite???
Oh, my, GOD!? HOW!?
Annnnnd it reminds me of THIS…