(This is what I have to listen to, while I’m trying to cook dinner.”
Xavier: “The dog likes me better, because he’s MAN’S best friend, not woman’s best friend. What is woman’s best friend, anyway?”
Caolinn: “Tampons.”
Xavier: “What are tampons?”
Caolinn: “Mom!”
Me: “You got yourself into this one, get yourself out of it.”
Caolinn: (sigh) “You know how once a month, women bleed from their hoohah?”
Xavier: “Ugh, yeah.”
Caolinn: “Tampons help you, so you don’t leak.”
Xavier: “Ewwww.”
Caolinn: “Well, when you’re married, you’re going to need to deal with this. Well, if you’re married to a woman; if you’re married to a man, you won’t.”
Xavier: “God, I really hope I wind up gay.”
Caolinn: “We all do, Xavier.”
Fisticuffs and Shenanigans 
Literally laughed out loud at that one. 😀
Yea!!! 🙂
Now that is my kind of parenting!!! Valid AND entertaining.
Want to be my kid? You have a job, right…can pay rent? 🙂
Haha, yes, you are at the top of my adopt-a-parent list.
YES!!! And no new stretch marks!
OMG!!!! What a pair. 🙂
Never friggin’ ends with those two. 🙂
You can’t make that up! :^D
I wish I could, I’d be rich as hell.
Oh my god that’s hilarious… the finest parenting I have ever seen. Poor Xavier, I hope his gay dream comes true, and he avoids the ickiness of females everywhere. By the way Meg, once again: kick-ass attention-grabbing title.
Trent, from you, I take that as the HIGHEST of compliments 🙂 And literally, as I was trying to pull a title out of my ass, I asked myself, “Will Trent think this one sucks?”
I knew your titles came from that particular location… they’re always great.
LOL…even the one about pubic waxing, that was so hopelessly lame? 🙂
I’m speechless. It doesn’t happen very often. Maybe it is because I am laughing so hard. 🙂 –Curt
Success! 🙂
🙂
Cue the transformation from being grossed out by to being obsessed with in 3 … 2 … 1 …
And off topic, but have you heard Taylor Mali read his poem “What Teachers Make” on YouTube? It kicks serious ass and reminds me of you.
No, I haven’t! I promise I’ll google it tonight! 🙂 Thanks for the tip, Doug!
If I got you to hear that poem, then this was a good day. He has many poems about being a teacher, but that one has the sharpest point on it.
Holy shit that’s funny. Your kids are really, really, sharp. Did you know that in your country a woman cannot be President because she has that thing with her HooHaa once a month? It has something to do with tigers and sharks being able to smell it.
And bears! Don’t forget the bears! (And talk to me in 2016…say November…and tell me if a woman can’t be President. 🙂
I’m just telling you what I heard from Brian Williams.
Riiiiight…that guy. Pffffft. He should stick to rapping.
Okaaaay.
Seconded! Perfect response by the way 🙂
🙂 And in honor of Brian Williams…and his suspension, I offer you this…
The best one so far!!! 😀
So sad that he’s on “hiatus”, and thus we won’t get new ones for awhile.
We love Hillary!
Not as much as I do…I WUVVVVV her.
I’m just so d#mned happy right now. (sniff!)
One of my friends used to wish he could live as a fly on the wall in the kitchen of Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft. I feel just like a privileged fly on the heavily-graffiti’d wall of your home…
Porta-Potty-Mouth.
(Bawling in joy.)
LOL…I wish it were that good! Ohhhh, how I love Mel and Anne. Fuck, Blazing Saddles…best movie ever.
Ye-es…best of his movies–but I am partial, for high points, to:
(1) Madeline Kahn bursting into “Sweet Mystery of Life”–still a magic movie moment for me : )
(2) And, for the awesome sentimentality, when Frank Langella gets down on the ground and begins his own “seizing”. So wrong, yet so right.
LMAO…I love that scene. She was the best. Everything about his movies. They always knew how to walk the line if completely offensive, but make it funny in such a way that it was commentary. So brilliant. Young Frankenstein was my favorite movie as a kid…what were MY parents doing!?
Here I am – giggling in bed.
Usually, women do that because they see how small my penis is. (okay, kidding, I don’t have a penis….OR DO I!?)
Haaaa!
🙂
Brilliant 🙂
🙂 Thank you, IE!
wow, priceless, hilarious
🙂 Thanks Amy!
Someone needs to tell him that as a married man he’s EXPECTED to rush to the store routinely to pick them up… And if he’s gay he’ll be expected to at least a handful of times in his life..
How I ended up being THAT best friend is a mystery even to me.
I, for one, have NEVER asked a husband or boyfriend to pick up my pads/tampons. 1. Because I’m a planner, and I always have supplies. 2. I would never do that to a man…it’s weird. 3. They would buy the wrong fucking kind EVERY time, and I’d just wind up pissed. lol
You, dear Michael, are a saint. 🙂
Wish my friends worked the whole planning thing… That boat sailed without them…
I don’t know if I qualified as “saint” given my response was usually a really loud groan followed closely with, “haven’t you trained your husband/boyfriend on this YET?!”
Seriously, you’re there for entirely different reasons, that have nothing to do with the cotton pony.
OOH!! That reason… Yeah, I often bring chocolate, chips, coffee, and other assorted necessities for THOSE times..
Jesus Christ…marry me. We can both cheat, it’ll be AMAZING.
Uhhh… And to think I just got done saying to someone, “I might have come out of a vagina… I have positively no plans for getting near another one ever again…”
Then I see this…
Then I’m thinking, “How big is Ryan?”
And I remember all about men and cheating… It’s ugly, it involves horrible double standards and relief that turns to fear when they realize I’d chase them more…
It’d make the bedlam with your children an afternoon tea party with Edgar Allen Poe and HP Lovecraft look like an everyday occurrence.
Mass Hysteria, you say? Yeah, that scratches the surface…
The only reason Caolinn thinks tampons are our best friends is because she is not yet of age to buy tampon’s sidekick, the box of wine. She is young.. in time…
She is partly French…in time, sweet Caol..in time…
I would think Xavier would seek celibacy to avoid lunacy. I suppose you can have that talk with him after the first attempt at growing a mustache fails.
That kids part French…he’ll have a mustache before loses all his teeth. LOL
When my oldest daughter decided to shock her dad and tell him she was a lesbian he simply said, “thank God! You’re chances at getting an STD or pregnant just dropped by 75%!” Sometimes I worry that our kids don’t really shock us anymore!
LOL! Maybe we should tell ourselves it’s because we’re such loving, accepting parents, that we love them unconditionally.
I also laughed out loud at the end of your post. I’m so glad you followed my blog! Now that I found you, (and followed) I look forward to many giggles 🙂
J
Thanks, Jodi! I’m so glad I found you, too! 🙂
Best dinnertime sibling conversation ever.
I really need to start filming them for posterity. Someday, when one of them becomes a cult leader…they’ll be worth cash. 🙂