Further Proof That I’d Make The Worst Mistress Ever


Ryan: “Can we discuss the fact that you haven’t been to my place in two weeks, and I’m still finding your hair in weird places?”

Me: “Can we discuss what this indicates about your cleaning methods?”

Ryan: “I never see my own hair.”

Me: “Apples and oranges, dude.  Your hair is like, what, a inch long and beige?  Mine are three feet long and red…hardly a fair comparison.”

Ryan: “But can we agree that finding them in the following places is weird: in my dress shoe, on the office keyboard, and wrapped around my neck while I’m sleeping?  You can’t even pet my cat, and I found one of your hairs tangled in his ass.”

Me: “I think the larger issue is that you’re inspecting the cat’s ass.”

37 thoughts on “Further Proof That I’d Make The Worst Mistress Ever

    • LMAO. He was very quick to point out later that I he wasn’t complaining. I think mostly because he doesn’t want me to command my hair to tighten around his neck next time, and choke him to death.

  1. I have very long brown hair (not like climb out the tower long.. but like if I want to someday convert to a birkenstock wearing commune dweller). I shed more than our dogs. I have come to the conclusion that since my hubby is bald it is sympathy shedding. Maybe Ryan is getting a more prominent forehead and your inherent compassionate nature is kicking in. Although, I am still stumped about the feline proctology where’s waldo thing.

  2. I shed constantly. One of the perks of working in an office–besides the paycheck–was shedding some place other than in my own house where *I* have to clean it up.

    Dude. It’s everywhere.

  3. Very funny post. This phenomena of women’s hair lingering in lover’s homes is a seldom discussed social reality. My now husband used to comment on it when we lived separately and to this day is baffled as to why I can’t keep my hair from clogging up my bathroom sink (we have separate bathrooms, thank heavens).

    I’m currently six months postpartum (which basically means I’m shedding) and there’s not a spot in our home free of my hair follicles.

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