Ryan: “Can we discuss the fact that you haven’t been to my place in two weeks, and I’m still finding your hair in weird places?”
Me: “Can we discuss what this indicates about your cleaning methods?”
Ryan: “I never see my own hair.”
Me: “Apples and oranges, dude. Your hair is like, what, a inch long and beige? Mine are three feet long and red…hardly a fair comparison.”
Ryan: “But can we agree that finding them in the following places is weird: in my dress shoe, on the office keyboard, and wrapped around my neck while I’m sleeping? You can’t even pet my cat, and I found one of your hairs tangled in his ass.”
Me: “I think the larger issue is that you’re inspecting the cat’s ass.”
37 thoughts on “Further Proof That I’d Make The Worst Mistress Ever”
Ryan certainly does seem to have issues. =)
Mostly with pussy, yes.
And that’s why I make all my mistresses wear hair nets. Ha! Check and mate.
LOL…I’m going to put lipstick on all his collars.
And that’s why I have taken to wearing lipstick. Why those are my very own sexy lip prints my dear. I’ve been practicing my kissing on my very own shirt collar. Genius!!
Lothario level: Master.
You live in Arizona I think? That horrific gun incident involving a 9 year old little girl made the national news in Alberta. Christ on a cross!
Don’t even get me fucking started. SMH
Fucking love it. I love them all. You have a way with anecdotes 🙂
I’m just lucky that my friends are funny. And that I shed. 🙂
Next he’ll be complaining about fingerprints on the cheese…
LMAO. He was very quick to point out later that I he wasn’t complaining. I think mostly because he doesn’t want me to command my hair to tighten around his neck next time, and choke him to death.
I’m not really a nostalgic person, but those times when I used to find long, red, girl-hairs in my stuff? Those were pretty good times. Just sayin’.
Well, he’ll find a few more after this evening. 🙂
Hold up, hold up, hold up.! Wait just a minute… you’re a redhead?!
Yes, that’s what I chose to take from that.
And a legit one, at that. I’m all pasty and spotty and everything!
I have very long brown hair (not like climb out the tower long.. but like if I want to someday convert to a birkenstock wearing commune dweller). I shed more than our dogs. I have come to the conclusion that since my hubby is bald it is sympathy shedding. Maybe Ryan is getting a more prominent forehead and your inherent compassionate nature is kicking in. Although, I am still stumped about the feline proctology where’s waldo thing.
HA! Nah, he’s not losing his hair any time soon. His is fighting the good fight. Mine is long, too. You can only have long hair for so many years, so I’m using every last one of them.
Eh… don’t buy into the old lady short hair concept. I am nearly 50 and refuse to surrender to the norm. Rather the theme to my life… stand up to the Man… even if he is Jose Eber (and someone should really give him a talking to about his little cowboy hat).
Good point. I’m just going to invest in long skirts and some granola and lean into it. I lean a little dirty hippie anyway, so I might as well embrace.
Exactly… don’t go hippy nudist commune though… old hippy bodies naked is bad… nipple chafing is not conducive to finding peace and love.
Now you tell me.
I am here for you 🙂
I shed constantly. One of the perks of working in an office–besides the paycheck–was shedding some place other than in my own house where *I* have to clean it up.
Dude. It’s everywhere.
See, at least I’m not alone. I have an entire community of fellow-shedders.
We are everywhere. Ryan should be nice lest you throw up the sheepdog signal, and we all send our hairs to join up and envelop his house.
I *did* notice the hair… but only because it appeared first as I was scrolling down…
After that…all nipples, huh?
I’m pretty sure I saw an asian woman wearing that “dress” in Hollywood a few weeks ago… I nearly asked her if she could point the way someplace, but I thought better of it.
Very funny post. This phenomena of women’s hair lingering in lover’s homes is a seldom discussed social reality. My now husband used to comment on it when we lived separately and to this day is baffled as to why I can’t keep my hair from clogging up my bathroom sink (we have separate bathrooms, thank heavens).
I’m currently six months postpartum (which basically means I’m shedding) and there’s not a spot in our home free of my hair follicles.
Ohhhh, that’s the worst. You’re basically a wolverine, come springtime. I remember those days. Clumps…it came out in giant, terrifying clumps.
And everywhere, vaccum cleaners weep.
LOL! T-shirts! We need t-shirts!