Me: Um…I’m watching that new show You’re the Worst, and it’s borderline porn…it’s amazing.
Ryan: How do I not know about this show? Ohhhh right, I have kids.
Me: Seriously, you have to DVR it for when they go back to their mom’s.
Ryan: Clearly, you don’t understand that my kids own the DVR. The last time I looked on that thing, it had 11 taped episodes of “19 Kids and Counting”.
Me: Oh, please save that for when I come over next week, because nothing says ‘hot makeout sesh’ like watching the Duggars and contemplating her clowncar uterus.
Ryan: They’ve probably only done it 19 times.
Me: Yeah, but I’m willing to bet she only felt six of them.
Ryan: Obviously it was the first six, after that she was playing Candy Crush on her phone, over Jim Bob’s shoulder.
Me: Seriously, what must that bedroom be like?
Ryan: I imagine that they pray during the act,
Me: The only woman in America, who when she yells ‘Jesus’ during sex…is ACTUALLY talking about Jesus. If you invite the holy spirit while you’re going at it…does that count as a threesome?
Ryan: I would like to thank you for asking that question via text, so that I’m not next to you when the lightning strikes.
(3 minutes later…)
Ryan: Megan? MEGAN!? Please tell me you were letting the dog out, and that you weren’t smited!? Or is it smote?
Me: Right, because if I’m laying dead on the floor, courtesy of an angry god…grammar matters.
Ryan: I’m glad we agree on this.
69 thoughts on “Sex and the Single Heathen”
🙂 I’m so glad this was funny to someone other than me. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s just that I’m nuts.
You’re not alone. 😉
I hope Ryan is your husband and if he is, this is amazing. Better than sexting!
LOL…no…not my husband, but seriously, way better than sexting. I need to scroll through some of our conversations from last week…this friggin’ blog will write itself.
I look forward to reading them!
Hahaha! I LOVE silly text convos! 😀
So much better than ones that just tell you to pick up eggs, right?
To many awesome points to note. But my favourite has to be clowncar uterus.
Because you love MILFs…and she’s the ultimate example. 🙂
That show was on last night. The TV had been on that channel since, I don’t remember when earlier in the day, and I wasn’t really paying attention. My 13 year old comes out to get a snack and I didn’t notice what he was doing but I knew he had been out of his room for like 10 minutes and that NEVER happens. I look up and he’s standing behind the couch with his eyes glued to the TV. WHOOOOPS! Parenting fail. LOL
OMG…I better delete from my DVR. LOL
Yup! And I’m going to have to check mine to make sure he’s not adding it to our DVR. LOL
From a broccoli carrying ninja…the highest of compliments.
How is it that you don’t have your own show, but Two and a Half Men is still on?
Seriously!!! Not that I’m good, but that show is TOTAL crap.
Absolutely magical. The belly laughs were epic. Thanks again. 🙂
Aww! Day made! And better belly laughs than ass laughs…those are awwwwwkward.
This is true. Unless, you’re a dog and then they’re really just startling…
And multi-sensory, really.
Clown Car Uterus is my new favorite potential band name.
That would be a very dark, dark music made. Lol
You find the BEST MEMES!
Seriously, this one was one of my all-time faves. I’ve been sitting on it for awhile, waiting for the right post. I don’t think this was QUITE it, but I’m impatient. 🙂
It’s pretty close! Is so great, you can probably use it again sometime.
Meh…I think memes are like condoms…single use. I’m trying to think of an exception to the condom rule, and I’m grossing myself out.
Haha! Then can I steal it? Although I have no idea what I would use it for. I’m such a wimp. I don’t know how people live where there are snakes. I have a close friend who lives in Wickenburg Arizona and it’s his job to get rid of the snakes for his mom sometimes. Like taking out the trash.
I didn’t make it…all yours! 🙂 And of COURSE his job is to kill snakes of Wickenburg…it’s Wickenburg. 🙂
Why? What’s Wickenburg like or about? Never been to AZ.
It’s just one of many small towns surrounded by desert. 🙂 At least it’s not Kingman…Kingman is nothing but an incorporated meth lab.
This was really funny. I wish I had more to say but it’s raining out, really hard, and my pants got a little wet. So, I’m distracted.
LOL… This comment brought to you by Adderol. Crap, I wish I had some Adderol. And some soup…I like soup. I wonder when Project Runway is starting up again.
You have awesome friends Meg! Thanks for sharing your moment Meg!
Smitten. Like snake-BITTEN.
But smote would allow your kids to rhyme-rap off “smoke” in their AWESOME Vine elegy that re-enacts your God-struck demise.
That would be the best eulogy ever. Of course it wouldn’t be able to be given in an ACTUAL church. I’m thinking maybe in the Club House of the local horse track? Perhaps the local Indian casino?
Ow–I used to be the one laughing at the ones who mixed up words like “elegy” and “eulogy”. No–wait–I totally meant elegy, ’cause you’re such an AWESOME mom.
Whew. What a save, huh?
LMAO…. That is awesome…I almost like it better now.
Never seen either show. Must look for one of them. I could do without clown car vaginas. I hate clowns. And seriously funny stuff.
Not sure it counts as a threesome though.
Geraint, I couldn’t agree more. You must look for the show on FX. Seriously funny and pornographic…I’m not sure things get better than that.
Throw in some spears and you’re talking Game of Thrones. That is quality television.
HA HA! They are totally one beheading from HBO.
Nice. I will try and find it. Game of Thrones is done until April next year anyways.
Grammar ALWAYS matters. Lol.
Agreed. Although, I’d like to think if I was dead from an excellent smiting, that it would somehow take a secondary interest. I’m probably dreaming on that one, aren’t I?
I don’t know, since smitings have never actually been proven, if you ended up dead from an actual smiting it might be news worthy.
Smite, smote, smitten. According to Merriam Webster. Kind of takes it in a new direction…
I feel we should make a push to make the word “smite-ish” a thing.
Agreed. Kind of like what’s happened with “stabby”.
Stabby is brilliance. I wish we could track the origin of stabby.
stabby (This is from the Urban Dictionary)
The feeling one has when one is in a particularly bad mood about wither nothing or something. It doesn’t matter. You are feeling borderline homicidal. Ideas of stabbing things to relieve the seething anger come to mind.. Then you get distrated or blog about it and it goes away.
I was cut off many times today on my way to work, then I spilled coffee on my white shirt. It would be a bad idea to piss me off today because I am feeling stabby right now
-adj. describing feelings of hostility or mean temper, usually related to misfortune or high stress. Originates from the fact the stabbing someone or something seems unusually rational when one is in a stabby mood.
Child rearing can make an overworked mom feel downright stabby. Don’t tell CPS (child protective services).
I shall say nothing, Madam, and you will, I hope, do the same.
I particularly like the “unusually rational” reference. It could take the place of the “PMS” defense!
Oh, totally. PMS defends all manners of sin.
So I just read that fourteen people are having a seriously smite-ish day down on Venice Beach and Catalina Island… I don’t suppose you had anything to do with that smite-ishness?
I admit to nothing. (no, seriously…just similarly insane people, rather than any direct connection)
“clown car uterus”…you’re killing me.
Not as much as it should be killing her. 🙂
Glad you like my blog. After Ethiopian Adventure ends, there will be more adventures, maybe some poems, and food.
Adventures and food is pretty much my swan song. 🙂
If you are having a threesome with Jesus, then it would be called a Trinity.
Oooooo, Rick for the absolute win!!!