The greatest irony in education is that while we teachers are exposed to more germs than the average Turkish prison rat, we are also completely unable to take a single day off, when said germs prove victorious. Doubt me? Ask any teacher. We could have a full-blown case of ebola, with our internal organs coming out of our noses, and we would still be at work, pumped full of enough Dayquil to fell Courtney Love. One year, I was sick so often, that my boyfriend at the time, started applying Vicks to my chest as a form of foreplay. The man probably still can’t smell camphor without getting an erection.
Now why do we do this? Is it because we love your sweet cherubs so much that we cannot bear the thought of a single day spent without them? Fuck no, it’s because it’s so goddamned hard to prepare for a substitute, that dropping dead in our reading corner is preferable to the paperwork.
Imagine if, in order to take a day off, you had to create a plan for an untrained stranger, so they could present a seven-hour, detailed, interactive, intellectually challenging presentation for a group of 32 uninterested mental patients. You’d say, “fuck it”, and come to work hopped up on codeine, just like the rest of us.
Which leads to my theory as to how this was able to happen. The teacher in this story was so scared of writing 6-weeks worth of lesson plans, that a 9-lb child, emerging from her vagina was LESS of a pain in the ass than going to a hospital. LITERALLY. I don’t even think she was on her prep period! You think that custodians hate cleaning up glitter? Try placenta. That really pisses them off. You’re going to have to come up with a lot more than a 12-pack of soda to thank him for that task. Think about adding a handle of bourbon to his Christmas present.
So parents, when you throw some Tylenol in Susie to hide the fever, and then send her to school to infect us…remember…two can play at that game, and once she’s good and healthy…we’re totally going to let Johnny-Green-Boogers lick her pencil.
**To clarify, I do not think that children are mental patients. I DO think that children lose their minds when they get a substitute. You want to make a child drunk with power and supremely conscious of the juggernaut that is mob mentality…leave them with a complete stranger who doesn’t know their name or the bell schedule. Sit back…bring popcorn.
19 thoughts on “Teachers…Keeping The Drug Industry Afloat Since Ought-Six.”
jesus. this post is spot on. I guess TA’s really CAN do anything??? the fuck. if I wasn’t Done, I’d plan to have my next kid in the spare classroom next to the music room of my kid’s school. can you f*cking imagine? the custodians don’t like to clean up after Christmas parties? I bet they were pissed.
God, you just reminded me of something that I was going to put in that paragraph…editing. THANK YOU!
I’m glad you’re around to write this stuff! I’m a counselor working with kids in a private practice and – to my shame – don’t quite have the guts to post stuff like this (in fairness, lots of my clients read my stuff and I think I might catch a little blowback if I referred to my kids as uninterested mental patients. Still – I’m glad you’re around to save me the trouble!
AGH! Thanks for pointing out something I should PROBABLY clarify. LMAO
bsabian…THANK YOU…I think the add actually made the post better! 🙂 I owe you a large beer.
OMG……. Yes, and if like me you teach a practical subject (Home Ec) to teenagers how the hell DO you leave lessons for others to cover? Worst of all, when you finally succumb and have to prepare something, you drag yourself back to work only to find that the sub really couldn’t be bothered doing it and let the classes have ‘free time’!
Exactly! Or, if you teach a middle school behavior class. like I used to, you come back and half your class was suspended and/or arrested. lol
Not that I’m blaming you… but… I woke up this morning with razor blade throat. hollow ears, crap filled nose…. knew it wasn’t going to be good…… decided to bite the bullet, go to school and do both yr 10 classes (15 – 16 yo) which were all practical classes where ingredients have been ordered & paid for ( I’m accountable for expenses….. these parents have better things to do with their: money = booze/drugs)…. now I’m at home looking at 3 days off…. bliss some (non-teachers) may say… I refer them to your essay above…. and the worse thing… we are going into summer…. NOT the cold/flu season! Best thing tho, is we are past the marking / grading / report writing stuff that so many are still doing this before the year ends….
There is nothing worse than a summer cold. I use elderberry syrup as a viral prevention/treatment, and it works like a charm for me. If it weren’t for that stuff…
Feel better! Lots of fluids and sleep, and try not to think about what they’re doing to your classroom while you convalesce. 🙂
I feel bad for focusing on this given all the other comments are about the issues teachers have to deal with but… “The man probably still can’t smell camphor without getting an erection.” Too good. Just too good.
Hope you feel better soon!
I looooove that you picked that out as the highlight for you. LMAO Consistency is next to somethingness, Sean…please don’t change. 🙂
(and besides, I was proud of that line…lol)
Damn girl, you got some mad talent (I don’t really talk like this but my keyboard is way cooler than I will ever be). I’m not a teacher and yet was so interested and amused I nearly shit myself. Perfect way to start my work day. Thanks for that!!!
You just went totally street on me, Spacurious… 🙂 Ahhh, thank you. It’s always a goal of mine to make people lose control of their bowels. Have fun at work…make sure to stick it to the man!
Haha this post is mint. And exactly why I keep my snot nosed kid home when he’s sick lol
On behalf of my people…we thank you.
This post? fantastic.
Also, btw, why I’m sorta a fan of the international bacclaureate program in high schools. Every single school with it… same class schedule.. same lessons.. same days for everything… so if you need a sub they have the handbook.
Oh, that’s awesome! You’d just leave a post-it and the bell schedule and go home to convalesce! (read: go see a grown-up matinee and drink margaritas…okay, I wish)
And thank you! 🙂
They do. Don’t even get me started on the eastern block mail order bride with the short shorts and knee high boots with two-tone hair.