Soooo, in a stunning display of the grace and dignity that can only be mustered when you are a McMcerson, my darling mother, an absolute gazelle of a woman, tripped over her own feet and went down hard, taking out her own arm and shoulder, which, in her own words, “Went in a direction that I never want to see an arm ever go again”.
Believe me, if there is ever a time that you don’t want to be surrounded by cute firemen being exceedingly nice to you, it’s when you or someone you love is hurt. I could have had January through December on the P.F.D. calendar, and the whole experience still would have been a complete boner-killer.
Following her ambulance to the nearest hospital, I had just enough time to call one of my best friends (an ICU physician on the east coast), who advised me that, “They start all the new residents in July! Most of them kill more effectively than ebola. Do NOT let any of those Doogie Howser fuckwads lay a hand on her!”
Many hours in the ER later…physicians consulted (and checked for actual gray hairs and crow’s feet, prior to treatment), meds given, x-rays taken (by a lovely man sporting a Juggalo tattoo, who was shockingly gentle and kind-hearted given his musical taste), and one attempt at putting her shoulder right…the decision was made that the damage was significant enough to warrant admission for surgery, in the morning.
I am thankful she has had excellent care. I am thankful all of her doctors have grown their own pubes. I am thankful for her morphine, although, I could certainly use a Xanax, if anyone’s asking. I am thankful for free wifi, which is just distracting enough to keep me from thinking too much. I am thankful that she’s pretty badass, because she needs to be, and because I need her to be.
And now…we wait…
I knew it…my mother is a friggin’ Gremlin.
Fisticuffs and Shenanigans 
sooooooo sorry for MRS. mcmegly. but, you did still manage to make the whole thing pretty humorous………so, i’m also sorry for laughing? (just a little……….laughing not sympathy. sh*t. *closing mouth*) hope surgery goes well and that the surgeon is already shaving (or wearing a real bra not a trainer – as the case may be. or both? sh*t. *taping mouth*).
HA HA!!!
🙂 The resident looks scared of me. This is smart because he’s probably 12 years younger than me, which means, I technically could have taught him in Jr. High. Thankfully, the real surgeon is heading over for rounds and to do the actual cutting.
She and I have been laughing off and on all night. I think her, mostly because she’s on a shitload of opiates. Me, because I’m tired and mentally subnormal. 🙂
Wow… poor Mom! Also, it’s good that she’s laughing. When I have morphine, I just go to sleep (and it’s wonderful!). Glad the doctors are grownups. Young ones are very enthusiastic and have lots of knowledge, but it still needs to be tempered with experience. Good luck on the surgery!
Morphine makes me puke and sleep. I turn into a heroin cautionary tale.
THANK YOU! Waiting for rounds…if it’s a new resident, I’m checking his voter’s registration card.
DUUUUUDE… that sucks. I’m so sorry for mom. I hope the surgery goes smoothly. She’s lucky to have you there. I saw my sweet momma through a very long ordeal with a very nasty disease. We got through it with love and laughs. The laughs were key. Keep her laughing. Always. Those moments are precious and healing.
Maybe it’s the morphine, but we’ve been having entirely too much fun with this whole thing. 🙂 Looks like discharge today. Yea!!!!!!!
Feelin’ all sympathetic-like, and then hit that “Gremlin” caption and totally lost it. Glad your mom did well without my prayerful support from a distance, ’cause I would have been laughing too hard.
HA! Seriously! Thank God, she came through just fine. Not one of our finest weeks.