You get what you paid for…pregnant.


So there I am at the local 99-Cent Superstore, buying gift bags (because, judging from the $5 that Target sells them for, those paper fuckers are actually made of gold), when I glance up at the checkout, expecting to see some gum and mints, when I see these little gems.


Now, excusing the fact that, apparently, if you’re a cheap skate, all your impulse purchases will fall under the “gettin’ some” variety, I’d like to say that, should you purchase your condoms at the dollar store, even THEY know that you should just go ahead and spend the extra buck and grab a pregnancy test while you’re at it.

I think naming your cut-rate prophylactics “Fantasy” is probably appropriate, because you’re living in one if you think these suckers have any chance of working.  Maybe that’s why they’ve conveniently placed a box of Rinso, in case you want to make a last ditch effort to prevent the birth of a discount baby.

Now, I’ve carried and birthed three children, and I have always been HIGHLY skeptical about these shows (always on some TLC-like channel) that reportedly tell the stories of women who didn’t know they were pregnant until a fully grown human baby head emerged from their vagina, but somehow, if this ever DOES really happen, I’m guessing that those forty weeks of denial started with a failed dollar store pregnancy test.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to call my local health department. The mystery of increased STD rates in Arizona?  I’ve just solved it.

20 thoughts on “You get what you paid for…pregnant.

  1. I can’t speak for the efficacy of the prophylactics, but I have a friend who has 4 kids (and is expecting the fifth) and swears always buys her pregnancy tests at the dollar store. (With that many kids, you need to save money wherever you can right?) She says they have been right every time.

  2. IF, I say IF they can actually make those and still be able to sell them for 99 cents, I’m a little pissed that the others are so expensive. Dammit.

  3. I’ve also heard that the dollar store pregnancy tests are accurate, and (get this) accurate EARLIER than the more expensive ones. Because with the more expensive ones, you have to be more than a week late or whatever for it to give you a “true” reading. So totally weird.

    I’ve never heard about the efficacy of dollar store prophylactics, however. I’d probably use them for water storage first, honestly (a condom can hold either a liter or a gallon, or something in between. I forget. I’m a bad prepper. Or not really a prepper at all. I just read about it sometimes.)

  4. A dollar??? How is that even possible? Although I do like the idea of killing two birds with one stone. When the dollar condom breaks, you can check with the dollar pregnancy test. Although I’d prefer a 50 cent morning after pill.

  5. I think if you put the dollar condoms and the dollar pregnancy test in a dollar gift bag, you’ve just given the most thoughtful gift you could conjure in the dollar store.

    (And with a fiver, you still have enough left over to get yourself a Chunky and a Diet Mountain Dew. Plus tax.)

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